No one should read this book.

If you enjoy a good conspiracy tale don’t buy this book. Buy Dan Brown instead. He needs the money. If you think that secret societies are mundane and boring, this isn’t the book for you. If you’re frightened that a secret society might recruit your children, this still isn’t the book for you. Governments the world over are infested with secret society goons. Once they realise their secret is out, they won’t like it. If you buy The Ferret Files, the intelligence services will know. Eventually they’ll track you down and scrub away at your memories until you forget who you are and can only say ‘wibble,’ while being spoon fed porridge. It’s simply not worth the hassle. It’s safer to never set eyes on it.

If you enjoy reading about financial fraud, stick to the FT. Don’t buy this book. It’s built using fake news, which makes it a fake novel. Whilst you’ll be delighted at the author’s grasp of fraud, your astonishment will be short-lived. An army of Govbots will find you and sandpaper the insides of your cranium clean. Afterwards you might just be able to compute 1 + 1 and get 3.

The intelligence services are relentless. Once they realise what this novel is about, it will find its way onto their dark list. Govbots will come for your iPads and iPhones, Kindle Fire readers and tablets. Any electronic device that once hosted this book will be blitzed. Deleting it will make no difference. When they find you, your brain will be liquefied and pumped out through your nose into jars. Wibble will be your favourite word of the day.

Please heed this warning. Don’t go there.

P.S. This book might just be the worst Christmas present ever. Who in their right mind would celebrate the birth of our Lord Santa Claus by subjecting friends and family to a plague of soulless govbots programmed for brain sanitisation?

Yours playfully,

The Author

(For those of you who won’t do as you’re told, click here)

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